Tag Archives: Steven

Cutting Ties

It’s weird how lust masks your taste. I’ve been looking at Steven and Patrick’s facebook photos recently and thinking to myself ‘what was I thinking?’ They don’t look good and are totally not my type. Recent encounters with Stephen tell me he’s just WEIRD.

Ever since I decided that nothing was gonna ever happen with Steven, the chemistry between us has obviously changed but he’s just plain weird and rude now. He and a few other friends attended my Mr. Gay night, he was cold and shrugged me of the entire night. I tried my best to overlook that but I gave up and didn’t even bother talking to him, leaving early that night. Over lunch on Friday, he kept talking with Elly as if I wasn’t at the table. Steven always analyses me, the analysis which are not untrue but oftentimes debasing, as if to prove he’s better than me. I don’t need friends to prove they’re better than me. I thought I could maintain a friendship with him based on mutual respect but the guy is just weird.

I recounted this and Shirley, who asked Steven point blank after I left that night why he was so rude to me (it was that obvious! everybody saw it) Steven just said “he has a family.” This plus several comments from others seem to justify that he still has feelings for me thus explaining why he’s acting out. I mean he admitted he wasn’t ready for me when I visited after I cut things off. I wanna talk with him about it but he’s obvious too proud to acknowledge I am anybody worthy of his attention, so I’ll just cut ties with him because I’m not that desperate for friends to hang out with someone who enjoys mocking me.


Short Term Feelings

I conclude I really have short term feelings for guys. My crushes on guys can end as abruptly as they start.

Patrick and Steven are prime examples. I haven’t really gotten Patrick in the sack and done him as my dick sometimes wants but my desires have waned drastically. I am totally fine if I don’t shag him, nor do I feel any problems now that he has a boyfriend. I called Steven on Friday night wanting to ask him over to spend the night, company and cuddles without really wanting the sex, but the guy had a cold so I stopped at that.

It’s happened with Simon as well, to whom I was introduced the first Sunday of the month over early morning dim sum and I’m totally over him since early this week. I really had no expectations when people suggested meeting him but did find him very hot when we met. I was actually surprised when he contacted me shortly after dim sum and became extremely flirtatious over our 2 hours of online chat that evening. He kept praising my body, telling me I’m cute, utilising words as ‘Mr. Olympic’ and ‘stud muffin’ and even messaging me late that night to say good night. Being one who can’t resist attention, I flirted back hard with constant SMS through the week ’til we met for a common twin girls birthday dinner. Sitting next to him thru dinner, I felt his knee rubbing against mine under the table the whole night and I didn’t back off.

A few drinks over dinner gave me the courage to ask him on SMS to spend the night with me after dropping him off. Our mutual interest was pretty obvious:

Me: Wanna cuddle with u tonite. Good nite.
Simon: Only cuddle? haha, good night.
Me: What else u got in mind? Ur welcome over anytime
S: haha haha u really had too much to drink tonight! U are the big sexy stud urself! What u up to tomorrow
Me: So? I confess: ur very sexy!
Me: So ur avoiding my offer! I’m sober enuf to know what I asked. No plans tmr except dinner with family.
S: haha ur too cute! Let’s catch up tomorrow??
Me: I’m totally conscious of my invitation, alcohol only pushed me to say it.
S: But I am curious to know what you would do to me…? Hehe
Me: u have to find out for urself what I’d do. But as I said, I’m not that innocent. What’s holding you back? Well, at least I tried. Sweet dreams (fantasising about me).

He didn’t contact me the next day and the communication got me all bothered that I contacted the B twins the next night trying to meet them for their dinner knowing full well that Simon would be there yet I acted that I didn’t know he was in attendance. Since the guy is not totally out, I wasn’t overtly flirtatious and just enjoyed a few drinks with the girls.

I really don’t like to be the last one to leave an event and seem like I’m following other’s footsteps when everybody leaves. So as the night was winding down, I declared my departure seemingly unconcerned that I’d be leaving alone. But of course I wanted Simon to go and I allowed the girls to extend my stay a bit with drawn out good byes. When I left, Belinda pushed Simon to walk away with me saying he wants to go as well.

One thing about Simon that befuddles me is that his communication and actions convey two very different messages. Being so flirtatious the previous night on SMS and online chats, he’s totally different in person and it seemed he was rushing to push me into a taxi when we got out and when I called out that I felt his thigh rubbing against mine thru dinner the previous night, he acted as if it didn’t recall it. If I was fancied a guy like he did thru his words, I defeinitely try to find ways and excuses to spend more time with him and not rush like he did. Simon promised to call me for lunch during the week and when he did call Thursday, I turned him down without wanting to look too desperate and the fact that I had eaten by the time he rang. I admit I still had a crush on him last Sunday as the flirting and contact died down.

Closure came on Tuesday when he responded to my message for meeting up, saying he’s travelling and would call me upon his return this coming week. As I stated, I guess I love myself too much that I am into guys who are interested in me. As communication died down on the secoind week of our meeting and it became a one-way attempt on my part, my interest in Simon just died on Tuesday. Funny that the whole crush lasted 2 weeks. Yeah Simon is totally hot and great material but I have no expectation anymore. If we get along as friends that’s good and even better if anything sexual happens but my lust for him has actually died.

Closure with Steven

I am visiting Hongkong again visiting family and friends. The first person I called was Steven after my arrival, he had messaged me a few days prior to say hi, so I surprised him when I gave him a call telling him I was in town. We updated ourselves on each others lives and he accepted that I was settling down for the rest of my life with Gabor. I called him eveyday asking him to meet up for a drink or a meal but he gave these lame excuses everytime why there was no need to meet if we’re just friends. It boiled down to the fact that he was not ready to meet me and I understand given that I had let him down. But he would call me to say hi and ask how I was doing. He still rejected my invitation to meet up so after calling him continuously for 5 days, I gave up. I changed phone number and didn’t notify him, figuring that if he was keen to meet, he’d send me a message thru Facebook. A week later, no messages, nothing.

Looking back, I am glad things didn’t work out with Steven because from the first night we met, I’ve been the initiator. I spent numerous hours convincing him to go dine with my friends and go out. Our relationship/friendship is so one sided (me making the effort). He needs lots of persuasion and too much effort to spend time together. I’m attracted to guys and people who can reciprocate the feelings and effort to make things work and Steven seems unwilling even in the sense of a friend.

Ann concluded that Steven was too wishy-washy, like a girl. That provoked a lot of memories of Steven, how he frequents spas for facials, massages, and the way he drops his shoulders as he walks. I really wish we could’ve been friends but there’s nothing I can do if he’s not willing to put in the effort. I can be honest that I tried my best.

I’ve Never Been Single

It’s no secret I’m going thru some sort of life crisis in recent months leading me to question my life goals, work and love. With the many thoughts flashing thru my head, I just realised that I’ve never been single. I came out of the closet when I was 19 in college and met a guy 3 years older than me, which I thought was a lot at the time, for a few months. I was single for another 6 months before I met my boyfriend at the last weeks of my teenage years and we’ve been together for 10 years now.

Due to several reasons, I’ve been questioning my relationship. One, I’ve let my heart deviate from my boyfriend in recent months. I’ve maintained emotional monogamy despite my physical infidelity over the years but I’ve met two guys in the past year that I have feelings for and the feelings were reciprocated by Steven and, I later discovered, by Tony. I’ve stood strong for so many years and wonder why I let this happen to me, is it the 7 or 10 year itch? Or do I want another l

Another reason I question my love is I do feel that my love for G and has truly dissipated. I understand that a big part of it is my doing but neither of us has taken the initiative to rectify the situation. When I asked him a few weeks ago what his prioirty in life is, I was struck by his response that it was his work and not me. For the past 5 years, I’ve held that “love conquers all” and it’s been a small part of why I’ve slacked off in life cuz I really wanna spend time with G.  He explained last night that he feels he could take me for granted but for work, he’s still gotta work very hard to stay afloat, hence work remains his priority.  I was very understanding and he helped propel me forward. I don’t deny we both love each other but those feelings have drastically changed and diminished and I feel part of it is love for comfort and stability as well.

Thirdly, I’ve never been single and there’s part of me that wonders what it feels like and want to experience that. I know the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence and how many people would die for a relationship I have in which both love each other.

Too bad there’s not like a formula to solve the problem.  I have few rules in life but one of them is that I refuse to be a two-timer to test if things work out with Steven or Tony. I can’t do it and it won’t be fair to any body. There are 3 possible outcomes: stay with G, break up and explore with Tony or Steven, break up and no long-term relationships ensue out of circumstances and I end up single for the rest of my life. But there’s no going back in either step I take.

Dreaming of Steven

With all the crushes I’ve had and even with Gabor at times, it’s been “out of sight, out of mind.” I tend to forget about them if I don’t see them and as time passes but two weeks on, I still haven’t been able to shake Steven out of my mind. The look of his eyes, his smile, the way he walks are ingrained in my head and I still imagine kissing him and holding him whenever I close my eyes.

I had the most passionate kiss and hug with him in my dreams Saturday night.  I was suppose to leave with Ann but as I said my good-bye with Steven, what was suppose to be a simple kiss evolved to full-on tongue action and I refused to let go. We held each other so passionately, running our hands all over and kissing like long lost lovers as we mumbled our true feelings.

We oftentimes forget our dreams but the emotion was so strong and I want it to happen that this stuck with me. I would normally reveal this to Steven but I’m scared that it may mislead him into thinking I would reunite with him. If I do move, I rather surprise him and show up at his door than give him false hopes. It’s so much harder to just pack and move at 30 than at 22 when I graduated.

I can’t have two loves in my heart but how do I fall out of love with either Gábor or Steven?

Break Up

Well, no relationship formally started so there’s no break-up to speak of but I was devastated last night when Steven unilaterally decided that we won’t have sex and the intimacy has to stop. I’m a very touchy-feelie person and though we never fucked, the body contact was a strong basis of our relationship. He asked me to stop fearing that he’ll miss it after I leave. I understand the eventual outcome but the rejection was hard and in a way made me want ‘it’ more. Throughout the dinner when he explained this to me, I just stared into his eyes knowing I’ll miss him and all the horsing around the past few weeks will come to an end. Knowing he equates intimacy with emotions, I had to respect his wish cuz I don’t wannna hurt him.

It’s amazing how much has changed since the first night we met. Back then he was some guy with a gay fashion sense who set off my gaydar. I made the initial contact with him the best way I know how, flirting, without any expectations and I had the best conversation ever with a guy I just met.  Walking away that night, I knew I had a great friend. Over the past 3 weeks, we became more than friends but never romantic since I have a boyfriend but the tension was there for something more.

This morning  on the treadmill I sent him a SMS “I did so many things to you last night.” Determined as he was, he fired back “so you’ll keep your hands to yourself today.”

Not Enough

Having gotten to know each other like I have never done so with anybody else, I feel so comfortable fessing up to Steven. We’ve gotten to the stage he so freely picks on me but he’s one of the few people I know who makes me feel I am not enough inciting me to want to make myself better.

I’m not changing my morals and core values at this stage in my life but he got me thinking about relationships and responsibility.