Realising My Love

It’s not ’til I lose someone do I realise how much I miss them.

G. was in Hongkong for two weeks plus in November and I was so excited to see him at the airport that I couldn’t sleep. His presence made me realise how much we click and our love for each other. I have great friends and family here in Hongkong but somehow there remains a void within me when G is not around. I walk about the apartment and lay in bed fantasising he’s next to me as he has been for the past decade.

I don’t know for whatever reason that I thought about life without G, that if he died, I would have little incentive to live on. I’ve never been one to ponder suicide but my promise to care for him ’til we age is what keeps me motivated in recent years. Granted that we still have our differences regarding children and family, I can’t identify anybody else with whom I wanna be with anymore.

The struggle remains – that I’m inclined to stay in Hongkong for the lifestyle with family and friends but G is such an important part of my life and he’s my family that I can’t pass up. I guess we can’t have it all.

Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

G promised he’d visit Hongkong in October when we split and it’s been pushed back time and time again because some work or event always comes up. Knowing how certain jobs and events are vital to him, I really don’t blame him yet it had gotten to the point that I had given up any hopes that he would visit. I was trying to pair my expectations so I won’t be left crying in the event he never comes but he booked his ticket last week to arrive on Halloween.

The proverb that distance makes the heart grow fonder is so true. It’s not unusual that we would be apart for a few weeks but 2 months thus far is really long time. I miss him so much that I let out the biggest smile whenever I think of him. I miss sharing my life with someone, seeing his smile and spending time with him for hte most trivial matters. Finding a shag or boyfriend du jour is not difficult for me but I’ve come to realise that finding a true love whom I would want to spend the rest of my life with is very hard to come by. Yes, as with all relationships, we have our issues but they are matters we both are willing to accept and try our best to overcome. To be honest, if I were to split from G for whatever reason, I don’t think I have the courage and heart to love again.

Ever since I heard that he’s booked his ticket, I’ve been lusting for his arrival like a kid looking out the window to see when daddy and mommy would return.

Robert Gonzalez

Robert Gonzalez by Rick Day 7 September 2009
I’m not all about emotions, I’m gay afterall and spend a fair amount of time checking out hot men especially the beautiful muscular ones such as 34 year old Robert Gonzalez from Chicago who stands 5’8″ and weighs a massive 200lbs.

The photos of him in the white background are taken by Rick Day and are simply stunning, thick quads in tights wrapped under tall boots. That ass is spectacular!
Robert Gonazalez ModelMayhem
Rick Day NYC ModelMayhem
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Short Term Feelings

I conclude I really have short term feelings for guys. My crushes on guys can end as abruptly as they start.

Patrick and Steven are prime examples. I haven’t really gotten Patrick in the sack and done him as my dick sometimes wants but my desires have waned drastically. I am totally fine if I don’t shag him, nor do I feel any problems now that he has a boyfriend. I called Steven on Friday night wanting to ask him over to spend the night, company and cuddles without really wanting the sex, but the guy had a cold so I stopped at that.

It’s happened with Simon as well, to whom I was introduced the first Sunday of the month over early morning dim sum and I’m totally over him since early this week. I really had no expectations when people suggested meeting him but did find him very hot when we met. I was actually surprised when he contacted me shortly after dim sum and became extremely flirtatious over our 2 hours of online chat that evening. He kept praising my body, telling me I’m cute, utilising words as ‘Mr. Olympic’ and ‘stud muffin’ and even messaging me late that night to say good night. Being one who can’t resist attention, I flirted back hard with constant SMS through the week ’til we met for a common twin girls birthday dinner. Sitting next to him thru dinner, I felt his knee rubbing against mine under the table the whole night and I didn’t back off.

A few drinks over dinner gave me the courage to ask him on SMS to spend the night with me after dropping him off. Our mutual interest was pretty obvious:

Me: Wanna cuddle with u tonite. Good nite.
Simon: Only cuddle? haha, good night.
Me: What else u got in mind? Ur welcome over anytime
S: haha haha u really had too much to drink tonight! U are the big sexy stud urself! What u up to tomorrow
Me: So? I confess: ur very sexy!
Me: So ur avoiding my offer! I’m sober enuf to know what I asked. No plans tmr except dinner with family.
S: haha ur too cute! Let’s catch up tomorrow??
Me: I’m totally conscious of my invitation, alcohol only pushed me to say it.
S: But I am curious to know what you would do to me…? Hehe
Me: u have to find out for urself what I’d do. But as I said, I’m not that innocent. What’s holding you back? Well, at least I tried. Sweet dreams (fantasising about me).

He didn’t contact me the next day and the communication got me all bothered that I contacted the B twins the next night trying to meet them for their dinner knowing full well that Simon would be there yet I acted that I didn’t know he was in attendance. Since the guy is not totally out, I wasn’t overtly flirtatious and just enjoyed a few drinks with the girls.

I really don’t like to be the last one to leave an event and seem like I’m following other’s footsteps when everybody leaves. So as the night was winding down, I declared my departure seemingly unconcerned that I’d be leaving alone. But of course I wanted Simon to go and I allowed the girls to extend my stay a bit with drawn out good byes. When I left, Belinda pushed Simon to walk away with me saying he wants to go as well.

One thing about Simon that befuddles me is that his communication and actions convey two very different messages. Being so flirtatious the previous night on SMS and online chats, he’s totally different in person and it seemed he was rushing to push me into a taxi when we got out and when I called out that I felt his thigh rubbing against mine thru dinner the previous night, he acted as if it didn’t recall it. If I was fancied a guy like he did thru his words, I defeinitely try to find ways and excuses to spend more time with him and not rush like he did. Simon promised to call me for lunch during the week and when he did call Thursday, I turned him down without wanting to look too desperate and the fact that I had eaten by the time he rang. I admit I still had a crush on him last Sunday as the flirting and contact died down.

Closure came on Tuesday when he responded to my message for meeting up, saying he’s travelling and would call me upon his return this coming week. As I stated, I guess I love myself too much that I am into guys who are interested in me. As communication died down on the secoind week of our meeting and it became a one-way attempt on my part, my interest in Simon just died on Tuesday. Funny that the whole crush lasted 2 weeks. Yeah Simon is totally hot and great material but I have no expectation anymore. If we get along as friends that’s good and even better if anything sexual happens but my lust for him has actually died.

Relieved

It’s an easier adjustment than I anticipated having been in Hongkong for 3 weeks so far. I rang Patrick on the second (or third) night after I arrived (I didn’t wanna seem to desperate) and we met up shortly afterwards.

The spark was no longer there though I did fantasize about taking him down and do all sorts of things to him as I sipped my drink. Then he dropped the news that he’s moved out of Tai Po to live with his Australian Chinese boyfriend after knowing each other for only three weeks. He said he pursued the guy after out conversations cooled off when I was in Paris and assumed I was no longer interested. It was just an inconvenient time as I was with G. all the time and we sorta ran out of topics to cover being so far apart. All I could do was congratulate him since he had been looking for a boyfriend since day 1 when I met him. But I questioned the speed at which he did it. It’s a bit too fast even for me to move in after only meeting for 1 month???

Yet I was relieved when I heard the news because I no longer had to worry about him being the third party now that he’s found a boyfriend. I had determined before I arrived that I was not going for a new relationship and given that things had cooled off with Patrick since Paris, he wasn’t the guy if he’s one to give up so easily.

Yet for someone in what should be marital bliss since they’ve ben together only 2 month, I am surprised to see Patrick online on the cruising site where we met. Sometimes I suspect he’s not telling the truth as he claims he lived in Mid-Levels and went to Island School before but his stories don’t add up and he continues to located himself in Mid-Levels even though he supposedly moved away 2 years ago… So is there really a boyfriend?

Curious over Edward P.

I can’t recall for what reason but I decided to check G’s e-mails (easily accessible on his Mac) after my return from Paris and saw that G had remitted $60 to Edward P. in August 2008 using Email Money Transfer and presumably that’s when they first met as I was in Hongkong at that time. So this email was sitting on his computer for eleven months but until late July when G was in Toronto for a few days for work. I can’t understand why he decided to delete this after letting it loiter around for almost one year, was he sensing I was following his tracks?

G. return from Europe last week August 3 and my curiosity got the better of me to check his mobile. There was a message from Edward P. one hour after G landed.

“I’m in Montreal. See u soon”

Then on August 7 G messages Edward P. on Facebook “I’m baaaaaaack. hope all is well” and Edward P. answers “nice! Hope to see you soon!”

Going thru G’s mobile phone, he’s met some escorts here in Toronto and when he was in NYC or L.A. as far back as 2007 (an old mobile phone I bought him in 2007 and he recently started using again).

I really don’t mind that he’s seeing escorts. I worry when the rendez-vous is of mutual interest because I know there’s an end when you pay and Edward P. is in a relationship with a Karen W. according to his Facebook so I am secure in knowing they’re not likely to develop a real long-term relationship. Part of me is jealous that’s why I’m pursing this cuz this Edward P. is hot!! I plan to go thru all of the 473 messages on his mobile inbox before I make any decision.

BTW, I’m moving to Hongkong in 6 days.

Low Libido

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. At age 31, I go thru these peaks and troughs of sexual libodo. So Tony finally came to Toronto last week and stayed over for two nights. For whatever reason, I didn’t really feel like shagging him.

Even though I no longer have feelings for him, I feel flattered when he tells me he came to visit me knowing I’d be moving to Hongkong soon. As I’ve said, I lose interest in a guy after I’ve seen them a few times and I fear that’s what’s happening with Tony. He was merely an object who served my whims when we first met but now that I know him, he’s a person and it becomes more difficult as I tend have to worry about his pleasures and feelings. Thanks to a pill of Cialis, I got hard no problem but I just couldn’t feel the orgasm. Tony reminded me how I stretched his ass and whipped him last time and that I had free reign of his body, while it didn’t get me into the mood, my dick sprung to life by is dirty talk and made me realise I love verbal shit. We just jacked off in the end as he stroked me and then hugged and spit-shined my boots ’til he blew his load.

Thinking what he said later on, I reminded myself that I doin’t have to worry about the pain an feelings of Tony the torment turns him on. I was thinking too much as I am apt to do. I am gonna really miss the guy, the smarts and the tolerance in the sack for pain and nasty shit.