Category Archives: relationship

Cutting Ties

It’s weird how lust masks your taste. I’ve been looking at Steven and Patrick’s facebook photos recently and thinking to myself ‘what was I thinking?’ They don’t look good and are totally not my type. Recent encounters with Stephen tell me he’s just WEIRD.

Ever since I decided that nothing was gonna ever happen with Steven, the chemistry between us has obviously changed but he’s just plain weird and rude now. He and a few other friends attended my Mr. Gay night, he was cold and shrugged me of the entire night. I tried my best to overlook that but I gave up and didn’t even bother talking to him, leaving early that night. Over lunch on Friday, he kept talking with Elly as if I wasn’t at the table. Steven always analyses me, the analysis which are not untrue but oftentimes debasing, as if to prove he’s better than me. I don’t need friends to prove they’re better than me. I thought I could maintain a friendship with him based on mutual respect but the guy is just weird.

I recounted this and Shirley, who asked Steven point blank after I left that night why he was so rude to me (it was that obvious! everybody saw it) Steven just said “he has a family.” This plus several comments from others seem to justify that he still has feelings for me thus explaining why he’s acting out. I mean he admitted he wasn’t ready for me when I visited after I cut things off. I wanna talk with him about it but he’s obvious too proud to acknowledge I am anybody worthy of his attention, so I’ll just cut ties with him because I’m not that desperate for friends to hang out with someone who enjoys mocking me.

Relieved

It’s an easier adjustment than I anticipated having been in Hongkong for 3 weeks so far. I rang Patrick on the second (or third) night after I arrived (I didn’t wanna seem to desperate) and we met up shortly afterwards.

The spark was no longer there though I did fantasize about taking him down and do all sorts of things to him as I sipped my drink. Then he dropped the news that he’s moved out of Tai Po to live with his Australian Chinese boyfriend after knowing each other for only three weeks. He said he pursued the guy after out conversations cooled off when I was in Paris and assumed I was no longer interested. It was just an inconvenient time as I was with G. all the time and we sorta ran out of topics to cover being so far apart. All I could do was congratulate him since he had been looking for a boyfriend since day 1 when I met him. But I questioned the speed at which he did it. It’s a bit too fast even for me to move in after only meeting for 1 month???

Yet I was relieved when I heard the news because I no longer had to worry about him being the third party now that he’s found a boyfriend. I had determined before I arrived that I was not going for a new relationship and given that things had cooled off with Patrick since Paris, he wasn’t the guy if he’s one to give up so easily.

Yet for someone in what should be marital bliss since they’ve ben together only 2 month, I am surprised to see Patrick online on the cruising site where we met. Sometimes I suspect he’s not telling the truth as he claims he lived in Mid-Levels and went to Island School before but his stories don’t add up and he continues to located himself in Mid-Levels even though he supposedly moved away 2 years ago… So is there really a boyfriend?

Curious over Edward P.

I can’t recall for what reason but I decided to check G’s e-mails (easily accessible on his Mac) after my return from Paris and saw that G had remitted $60 to Edward P. in August 2008 using Email Money Transfer and presumably that’s when they first met as I was in Hongkong at that time. So this email was sitting on his computer for eleven months but until late July when G was in Toronto for a few days for work. I can’t understand why he decided to delete this after letting it loiter around for almost one year, was he sensing I was following his tracks?

G. return from Europe last week August 3 and my curiosity got the better of me to check his mobile. There was a message from Edward P. one hour after G landed.

“I’m in Montreal. See u soon”

Then on August 7 G messages Edward P. on Facebook “I’m baaaaaaack. hope all is well” and Edward P. answers “nice! Hope to see you soon!”

Going thru G’s mobile phone, he’s met some escorts here in Toronto and when he was in NYC or L.A. as far back as 2007 (an old mobile phone I bought him in 2007 and he recently started using again).

I really don’t mind that he’s seeing escorts. I worry when the rendez-vous is of mutual interest because I know there’s an end when you pay and Edward P. is in a relationship with a Karen W. according to his Facebook so I am secure in knowing they’re not likely to develop a real long-term relationship. Part of me is jealous that’s why I’m pursing this cuz this Edward P. is hot!! I plan to go thru all of the 473 messages on his mobile inbox before I make any decision.

BTW, I’m moving to Hongkong in 6 days.

Real Emotions

I honestly am suspecting that there’s something deep within me allowing my emotional deviations in the past year. I really never expected anything to happen with Patrick but one week after our encounter, we both have strong feelings for each other and he’s pleaded thrice for me to stay.

02:25 12 April, Patrick sent:Hey. Thanks for yr ride…actually there is sth i wanna say from my heart, and u don’t have to reply if u don’tfeel like to. Well i just wanna say, if there is anything i could do so u will stay in hk, and be my bf, i would do…But surely, i love to make friends with ya.,.. yeah. haha.

He spent Saturday night over briefly and he messaged me Sunday night when I was out with Ann: I know i am bothering,,,just i really keep thinking about ya,,i do miss ya,,,and wanna spend everyday with ya,,,nth la,,have a nice dinner. Sorry keep bothering ya.
The message brightened my day and brought a smile to my face.

During our first official dinner Tuesday night, we chatted over life, interests and goals which were pretty much aligned. He SMSed me:
P: I had a great time……hehe.
I couldn’t help and answered from the bottom of my heart: I have trouble getting u outta my mind.
P: Me too, and I have no idea y I like u so much…
Unexpectedly, I get a message from Patrick: I’m a bit drunk, and you should be sleeping, so is golden time to tell ya sth. I like ya very much. I keep thinking what our life would be if we were together: kids, cooking, hugging while watching dvd. I do wanna spendmy rest of life with ya. I would do anything to make u stay in hk. U brighten my lief, make me smile whenever i see ya, evben just to think of ya…ghosh……l i just like ya very much…i would do anyhing to make u happy. Being with ya make me proud in front of my friend, in public….
Not wanting to go further in this sensitive issue, I only answered: U are trouble…Kisses…

The worst was discovering that Patrick had actually stepped out to refrain from shedding tears in front of me a few times when he claimed to be going to the toilet. I felt so bad for breaking his heart.

We’ve talked seriously about me seeking work in HK and I went over in my mind my relationship with G, my propects for work and it all sounds so tempting. But it’s a big move and decision to quit such a long relationship. Regardless, I have to return to Toronto to clear things at my office, finish my 3 week real estate course and lay things out with G.

I thing I refuse to do is compare G against Patrick. So far I’ve taken the two as distinct guys with their qualities I value.

Something Amiss in My Life

Just when I thought I had charted my career and relationship courses, I get thrown a curve ball.

I stayed in due to jet lag the day after my arrival and was chatting online to see who and what was around. I get a message from this 28 year old with common sexual interests but the conversation came to an abrupt end when we he found out I am in a relationship cuz he was seeking a long-term relationship. Given that our goals were different, I totally had no expectations other than friendship when I asked him out for drinks three days later.

I was blown away that night, the chemistry with Patrick was amazing! Talk about sex was limited since I had ruled it out but the undercurrent of tension was obvious. Words flowed after I had two glasses of wine and a cocktail for him. Body contact is a rarity in Hongkong so when I put my hand on his shoulder attempting to whisper a few lascivious words into his ears, he jerked back. Having lived in Toronto, I’m so comfortable with body contact that I kept patting him on the back, arm and brushing on his thighs as we sat on bar stools. Little did I know he was throwing a boner most of the night until he revealed it to me exiting the joint in the elevators. Several minutes later at the taxi stand, Patrick initially refused a good-bye hug as I stood with open arms but I demanded “come give me a good by hug” and he did, whispering in my ears he didn’t want to do it on the streets because he was still fully erect.

It was flattering and a total ego-boost knowing I can still have that effect on a guy. I received an SMS from him minutes inside the taxi whilst I was composing my message.

Patricks sent: Hey, i really had a good time… And i do really like you a lot…
I fired back: “Sat Sun Mon (days we can meet again). I can tell we are off to a good start as friends. Sweet dreams.” Followed by “haha, we are in sync.” Since we SMSed each other simultaneously.

Notice I wrote “we are off to a good start as friends.” I didn’t want to mislead him to give him hope there could be anything more than friendship given my current relationship and the path to be a real estate salesperson in Toronto. We both sensed the connection but I tried to pair down his expectation and not hurt another guy as I did with Steven.

Patrick further messaged me that night “Hahaha…but I am hard on now as well,,, gotta do sth b4 sleeping… oo am i telling ya too much?”
I replied: I could’ve helped but u said no. U are telling me too much. U should c my expression now. Want me to come to Taipo, I can make an exception for u.
P: Be honest i would love to spend a night with ya, but my dad is at home, and i cannot bring anyone back home…seriously.
Me: I understand. But relax about he hugs and body contact. I’m gonna have 2 look at ur pics again b4 bed.
P: I cannot relax,, cos i like u hug me and touch me…
P: Sorry if i confuse ya, but the reason i push u away is because i know u will turn me on if u hug me, or even just touch me, while i feel embarassed to be turned on in public. Sorry if i do sth to offend ya, but i dont mean it that way. Sorry.
Me: No offence. U are so sex (in suit and boots) J was making excuses to touch u.
P: Well, may be u will find me a turn off when i am naked for ya….
Me: As i said, i find sexy in many ways. Body is only 1st impression. U can be fat now and I’ll still think u are hot.
P: U know what, i will do anything to make you stay in hk… haha.
Me: Thx sexy but it’s not a consideration now. I keep rolling my tongue and eyes thinking of u.
P: Haha…. i know i just say too much to freak u out…wanna kiss ya… Hug ya…Whispering dirty thing to ya… wanna jerk off with ya.

You see, at this point by insisting we are friends and telling him moving to HK was not a consideration, I’m trying to be responsible to not raise his hopes too high that I would move to HK. I didn’t want the guilt of hurting another guy.

For the past 6 years, I’ve been the needy one in the relationship with G. It’s how things evolved and I am so grateful of him showing me the ropes of life, cooking, and supporting my endeavours. But it’s a refreshing change to meet Patrick who sees me as confident (something acquired with age) and wants to please me. So far in our week long relationship, he’s the one who’s more involved and being one who loves guys showing me affection, I have trouble resisting his advances. My heart is fully interested in this guy but my common sense says otherwise. I’ve been too focused on relationship and sex in my 20s and career path is a serious consideration for me. I’ve charted the course to be a real estate salesperson for the past 5 months and thinks it’s a waste to abandon that for no real career goals in HK.

Informing Monsie of my rendez-vous, in the midst of her persuasion for me to move to HK, she questioned that if something is missing in my relationship with G bringing me to meet guys and let myself fall for these guys.
At the bottom of my heart, is there something I know I can’t get from G leading me to explore possibilities with others, yet G and I don’t have the will to call it quits?

There’s no doubt G and I love each other but we have two fundamental differences, matrimony and children. I intend to have a family with or without him but I question, what’s the point of our relationship if we’re so independent? I’m willing to forgo that ‘piece of paper’ but why can’t G budge on having children? To be fair, G has tolerated a lot of shit from me but I’ve let it be known within months after meeting that I want children and he won’t try the one thing that will make me happy.

I Love Kids

The biggest difference between G and I are children. I’ve always known I wanted children, since middle school or so.  Being gay is my biggest regret in terms of reproduction. I swear if I was straight, I’d have several kids by now.

Besides a new direction for my career, hopefully real estate will bring in an income to afford me children.  Career is a means to an end in that respect.  To be honest, I don’t care whether they’re (notice ‘they’ since I intend to have more than one) biological or adopted, boy or girl, ethnicity.  Reading about Ricky Martin’s new twins thru surrogacy re-invigorated me.

Many people say marriage and kids make you grow up.  I think I’m mature enough to take on the responsibility of other people’s lives though G disagrees, claiming he doesn’t wanna take on more responsibility for kids in addition to me.  Not wanting to blow his cover, he’s the one who hasn’t matured hence the denial to have family and kids. According to his own words, “I don’t feel I’m forty.”

I was upset a few nights ago over drinks with others when he commented “if the goals of a couple are different, then they shouldn’t be together.” Though it as a convo about someone else, I couldn’t help think he wasn insinuating about us. If it comes to the point I had to choose between him and having children, I’m apt to select the latter.

Sitting at a Starbucks as I write this, there are four 5 to 8 year old boys together reading comics and I can’t help but gaze at them every few minutes as they sip their drink and share their stories.