Category Archives: friends

Change

Change is a scary thing even for someone as myself who has moved so many times. I used to be a lot more excited about moving in my younger days, moving off to college, to Bay Area after graduation and to Toronto shortly thereafter. A new place brought new people, excitement and essentially a playground to explore but at age 32, a move denotes leaving behind a life I’ve settled into for the past 9 years. I know I need this change but my heart is just not prepared for the unknown.

Days before I flew back to Toronto, I was offered a job opportunity that gave me guidance and discipline which I sorely need. But it’s in Hongkong which means I have to uproot myself and G. I’m glad he’s supportive and willing but I can’t help but feel the pressure to supply G. some form of stability with work and money since I initiated this move even though he never once requested anything. Having been back in Toronto for a month, I’ve been busy meeting people, old and new, as opposed to the funk I have been in for the past several years where I’ve been anti-social. I know I am gonna miss my friends here when I leave as I did when I left Hongkong. It’s not easy to break out of my comfort zone now as it was in my 20s. I’m now faced with responsibility and social ties which I didn’t have a decade ago.

Change is hard but I’m somehow looking forward to it for a new career and people, I just have to get over it.

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Carnal Friendship with Tony

It’s pretty well-established that Tony and I enjoy a very sexual friendship. We have the same carnal desires and fantasies whilst retaining a courteous friendship outside of the bedroom.

Last week, two days after my return from Hongkong, he invited me to Paris:

brash idea — and i know ur just coming back from HK — but come join me in Paris, staying at my cousin’s place while he’s out of town so no hotel costs and flights are cheap right now.

As much as I love Paris and enjoy hanging out with him, I declined because I got real estate classes during that week.

And he went on to tease: was just thinking last night would be fun/hot to be leashed and lying on the couch with you in your leathers watching tv in my new apt and the virile scent of your crotch in leathers. woof!

I shot back “my mouth just dropped, thats exactly what I’d love and watch u panting and waiting for orders. fuck, u are a teaser.”

Though Paris was a no go he messaged me days later with another invite to his pad in Montréal next weekend. Tony is pretty non-emotional guy in all of our encounters thus far. In fact, I had to wonder if he had a heart inside him. I know he mentioned that he was hurt years ago and has been reluctant to express his emotions for fear of being hurt so it came as a big surprise when he messaged “Can you come to Montréal next weekend? my treat! miss you and want to see you.” I laughed, telling him I was flattered to hear him say he misses me and didn’t think he had any emotions to miss anybody. Tony confessed “there are … they’re buried very deep. very very deep. haha. just kidding.”

My schedule permits this last minute trip, there’s no downside since G is away and he’s good company and hot sex. Plus if I do wanna see Tony a few more times before I go to HK because a hot fuck with a good head on his shoulders is not easy to meet these days.

Something Amiss in My Life

Just when I thought I had charted my career and relationship courses, I get thrown a curve ball.

I stayed in due to jet lag the day after my arrival and was chatting online to see who and what was around. I get a message from this 28 year old with common sexual interests but the conversation came to an abrupt end when we he found out I am in a relationship cuz he was seeking a long-term relationship. Given that our goals were different, I totally had no expectations other than friendship when I asked him out for drinks three days later.

I was blown away that night, the chemistry with Patrick was amazing! Talk about sex was limited since I had ruled it out but the undercurrent of tension was obvious. Words flowed after I had two glasses of wine and a cocktail for him. Body contact is a rarity in Hongkong so when I put my hand on his shoulder attempting to whisper a few lascivious words into his ears, he jerked back. Having lived in Toronto, I’m so comfortable with body contact that I kept patting him on the back, arm and brushing on his thighs as we sat on bar stools. Little did I know he was throwing a boner most of the night until he revealed it to me exiting the joint in the elevators. Several minutes later at the taxi stand, Patrick initially refused a good-bye hug as I stood with open arms but I demanded “come give me a good by hug” and he did, whispering in my ears he didn’t want to do it on the streets because he was still fully erect.

It was flattering and a total ego-boost knowing I can still have that effect on a guy. I received an SMS from him minutes inside the taxi whilst I was composing my message.

Patricks sent: Hey, i really had a good time… And i do really like you a lot…
I fired back: “Sat Sun Mon (days we can meet again). I can tell we are off to a good start as friends. Sweet dreams.” Followed by “haha, we are in sync.” Since we SMSed each other simultaneously.

Notice I wrote “we are off to a good start as friends.” I didn’t want to mislead him to give him hope there could be anything more than friendship given my current relationship and the path to be a real estate salesperson in Toronto. We both sensed the connection but I tried to pair down his expectation and not hurt another guy as I did with Steven.

Patrick further messaged me that night “Hahaha…but I am hard on now as well,,, gotta do sth b4 sleeping… oo am i telling ya too much?”
I replied: I could’ve helped but u said no. U are telling me too much. U should c my expression now. Want me to come to Taipo, I can make an exception for u.
P: Be honest i would love to spend a night with ya, but my dad is at home, and i cannot bring anyone back home…seriously.
Me: I understand. But relax about he hugs and body contact. I’m gonna have 2 look at ur pics again b4 bed.
P: I cannot relax,, cos i like u hug me and touch me…
P: Sorry if i confuse ya, but the reason i push u away is because i know u will turn me on if u hug me, or even just touch me, while i feel embarassed to be turned on in public. Sorry if i do sth to offend ya, but i dont mean it that way. Sorry.
Me: No offence. U are so sex (in suit and boots) J was making excuses to touch u.
P: Well, may be u will find me a turn off when i am naked for ya….
Me: As i said, i find sexy in many ways. Body is only 1st impression. U can be fat now and I’ll still think u are hot.
P: U know what, i will do anything to make you stay in hk… haha.
Me: Thx sexy but it’s not a consideration now. I keep rolling my tongue and eyes thinking of u.
P: Haha…. i know i just say too much to freak u out…wanna kiss ya… Hug ya…Whispering dirty thing to ya… wanna jerk off with ya.

You see, at this point by insisting we are friends and telling him moving to HK was not a consideration, I’m trying to be responsible to not raise his hopes too high that I would move to HK. I didn’t want the guilt of hurting another guy.

For the past 6 years, I’ve been the needy one in the relationship with G. It’s how things evolved and I am so grateful of him showing me the ropes of life, cooking, and supporting my endeavours. But it’s a refreshing change to meet Patrick who sees me as confident (something acquired with age) and wants to please me. So far in our week long relationship, he’s the one who’s more involved and being one who loves guys showing me affection, I have trouble resisting his advances. My heart is fully interested in this guy but my common sense says otherwise. I’ve been too focused on relationship and sex in my 20s and career path is a serious consideration for me. I’ve charted the course to be a real estate salesperson for the past 5 months and thinks it’s a waste to abandon that for no real career goals in HK.

Informing Monsie of my rendez-vous, in the midst of her persuasion for me to move to HK, she questioned that if something is missing in my relationship with G bringing me to meet guys and let myself fall for these guys.
At the bottom of my heart, is there something I know I can’t get from G leading me to explore possibilities with others, yet G and I don’t have the will to call it quits?

There’s no doubt G and I love each other but we have two fundamental differences, matrimony and children. I intend to have a family with or without him but I question, what’s the point of our relationship if we’re so independent? I’m willing to forgo that ‘piece of paper’ but why can’t G budge on having children? To be fair, G has tolerated a lot of shit from me but I’ve let it be known within months after meeting that I want children and he won’t try the one thing that will make me happy.

Closure with Steven

I am visiting Hongkong again visiting family and friends. The first person I called was Steven after my arrival, he had messaged me a few days prior to say hi, so I surprised him when I gave him a call telling him I was in town. We updated ourselves on each others lives and he accepted that I was settling down for the rest of my life with Gabor. I called him eveyday asking him to meet up for a drink or a meal but he gave these lame excuses everytime why there was no need to meet if we’re just friends. It boiled down to the fact that he was not ready to meet me and I understand given that I had let him down. But he would call me to say hi and ask how I was doing. He still rejected my invitation to meet up so after calling him continuously for 5 days, I gave up. I changed phone number and didn’t notify him, figuring that if he was keen to meet, he’d send me a message thru Facebook. A week later, no messages, nothing.

Looking back, I am glad things didn’t work out with Steven because from the first night we met, I’ve been the initiator. I spent numerous hours convincing him to go dine with my friends and go out. Our relationship/friendship is so one sided (me making the effort). He needs lots of persuasion and too much effort to spend time together. I’m attracted to guys and people who can reciprocate the feelings and effort to make things work and Steven seems unwilling even in the sense of a friend.

Ann concluded that Steven was too wishy-washy, like a girl. That provoked a lot of memories of Steven, how he frequents spas for facials, massages, and the way he drops his shoulders as he walks. I really wish we could’ve been friends but there’s nothing I can do if he’s not willing to put in the effort. I can be honest that I tried my best.

Happy Medium?

I miss the tranquility in Toronto. Sitting on a bench otuside the gym Saturday morning, it was the first time in a month I heard the ruffling of the leaves that’s obliterated by the noise and action in Hongkong. I just wish there’s a happy medium between the hustle-and-bustle in HK and the peace of Toronto.

I barely slept 4 hrs on the whole return flight weighing the opportunities and friends in HK and life and love in Toronto. To be honest, I’m indifferent about HK, but as I mature I’ve accepted that friends made as an adult still are different than ones I grew up with. Chatting with Tony on MSN, he admitted that it’s a big part of why he moved back to Montreal after 7 years away.

Gabor is a very big factor in my decision. 10 years into our relationship, we definitely don’t have the passion we used to but I had imagined my whole life with him… visions of us in grey hair and him dying before me. Should I decide to move to HK, he won’t be in this picture and I can’t imagine life without him.
I balled this morning when he said “I love you and I support you in whatever decision you make that’ll make you happy” and “letting someone go, if it makes you happy, is part of loving them.”

I’m so scared of letting people down. Steven helped me realise in the past few weeks that my happiness is so influenced by those near and dear to me.

What Happens

Steven and I hung out for the next two days. I really don’t care for going out these days and so suggested just hanging out at his place, watching TV and chatting. We prodded each others lives and words just rolled off my lips, spilling the beans on my life and allowing him to freely judge me and I didn’t mind it. Somehow, after hours of conversation, I gave him the image I’m selfish (which I don’t refute) with few redeeming qualities. It’s funny that I am apt to be attracted to guys who are totally opposites of me – Steven is reserved and worried about what others think while I’m the straight-forward one (hence selfish).

It’s been a while since I last bonded with someone so quickly and to whom I felt comfortable detailing my innermost sentiments.

What was a crush had quickly evolved and we have a great relationship. Given the realities, we can’t pursue any further yet our conversations are full of typical boyfriend and boyfriend lingo. We both do not call it out but we both know it’s there.

Unexpected Night

It’s funny how I meet people in the most unlikely of places. A few of us gathered at the hotel bar after Dana’s wedding and my gaydar sounded at the sight of a guy who plopped himself down the third seat from me, next to Elly, enough of a distance for a glimpse but too far for conversation. I was talking to others and decided to call it a night shortly afterwards. As fate would have it, I passed several friends including Ivette at the lobby who commanded me to stay so Ann and I sauntered back to the bar where I strategically placed myself directly across from the guy.  

I still laugh at myself on what set off the alarm – his fashion sense. This guy was wearing these pointy western boots with a tux, not the usual combo for a straight guy.  I chatted up with him to extract further proof but was called away to bring Terry, who was pissed drunk, home.  I couldn’t turn down a friend in need but my interest was piqued so daring that I am, I asked the guy point blank if he would drive us.

I learned of his name in the car and after we dropped off Terry, Steven offered to drive Ann home first even though they live in the same building. The logical route would have been to drop me off first and he’d go home with Ann.  Ann applauded at the suggestion claiming she was really tired whilst I lit up a smile with the possibilities flashing thru my mind.  With just the two us in the car, I made the move that confirmed my suspicion.

We pulled off to a remote area at 2 A.M. where my attempt at him was shot down. We ended up chatting for 2 hours in our suits and tux about my gaydar and relationships. Steven denies to this day he was unaware of my homosexuality because he wasn’t ‘looking.’ 

I’m lucky I’ve had rewarding relationships in my life and I spent most of the night to brighten his view of relationships. He seemed determined to live the rest of his life in solitude, clearly stating his distrust for love and fear of abandonment if things don’t work. I do believe that not everyone finds true love in their lives, for those lucky enough it may only happen once or twice max, but I’m the kind of person that keeps trying and keep my options open despite failures and rejections.

It’s funny that he’s only 5 days older than me but holds a totally opposite outlook on love. After our talk, I felt like a preacher of love.  I don’t know if I count myself as an optimist but I so want to lighten guys like Steven when they seem so down. I know at age 30, it’s hard to change people and I need to accept people for who they are but a little encouragement can’t hurt.

Meeting Steven was so unexpected but I felt so comfortable talking with him as if I’ve known him for years and not hours.