Settling Things

I have little patience when it comes to matters of the heart, I don’t believe in mind games and waiting. So I couldn’t resist and rang Tony.  I didn’t get on the topic right away but we knew the reason of my calling and after a few minutes, he came forward “I have an answer to your question.”  Because I had submitted my resume to his company days before my confession, he questioned if my message contained ulterior motives. Honest to god, when I was writing the message, there was a paragraph in the draft saying that I feel the conflict of interest and

‘believe we’re both mature enough to act in a professional manner. I wouldn’t expect you to do any moe than what protocal demands. If it boils down to choosing between a job or friend, I’d choose the latter.’

I deleted the paragraph when sending to him because I didn’t wanna bring it up. Tony said he’s very business-minded and he couldn’t ignore the red flag. So his answer was “Jason, you’re a very nice guy. I like the things they are right now and wanna keep it that way.”

When he asked how my relationship was with my boyfriend, all I said was “we have our problems.”

A polite rejection. But I can’t determine if the rejection was based on the conflict of interest with the job, genuinely not interested, or didn’t wanna get involved given I am in a relationship. As I said, I wasn’t expecting a proposal but I wanted to know if he was interested as he indicated on MSN. I felt the connection and expressed it but for him,  but for him there are many considerations.

Funny thing about me is that I’m only interested in a guy I know the feeling is mutual. So now that he’s said no, I accept that and we’ll just enjoy whatever happens, no obligations. Tony added he’s focused on a career right now and want to be financially successful, a relationship is not in the cards though he can enjoy the company of another guy, spend nights together and not call it any relationship. Otherwise known as a fuck-buddy, which I’m open to these days.

Throughout dinner last week, he talked a lot about work and facts that he joked “are useful for conversation at cocktail parties,” revealing little of his emotions and personal life. So when I confronted him why over the phone, he stated that it was by design admitting he was hurt 6-7 years ago. Then I later thought, he was only 17 or 18 back then.  Love can really suck but that was years ago and I’m the kind of guy that easily forgets these things. There’s no point in holding myself back from the pleasure of love because of an incident so long ago.

I’m glad this is settled. In reality, I’m not ready for a relationship but expressing these feelings comforts me and so I had to do it. I even SMSed Gabor telling him that I do love him but I’m shifting focus of my life from ‘us,’ as I have for the past 5 years, to ‘me.’ I’m not ready for a relationship but given that we’re together, nothing will change. We have our problems that I’ve been meaning to rectify but I guess I’m pushing it back.